Friday, September 1, 2017

Negra

Todo lo que tengo me lo dieron o me lo robé
No me pertenece este traje
No me pertenece esta casa
No me pertenece este hombre
Todo es ajeno o extraño.
De mi no queda solo un hilo
Un hilo negro que me jala hacia el centro del universo
Donde la bella obscuridad y el silencio por fin se rendirán a mi
Y ahí tendré algo par llamar mío
Algo de quién podría ser parte
Yo negra entre las estrellas
Negra entre el sol y la luna
Yo bailando invisible
Como era cuando vivía
Pero entonces era un martirio
Y después en el nuevo horizonte
Será delicia-
Delicia negra

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Sueño


No aparecías debajo del árbol azul
Cuyas ojas
Como tus ojos
Flotaban y
Como espadas de hielo penetraban mi pecho;
Olas fuerte me tumbaban,
volteandome violentamente 
Hasta caer como por un milagro
En un baño de luz caluroso
En la forma de
Tus rizos negros y gris-
Nubes extrañas anunciando tormenta.
Pero yo contenta y contenida
Sabiendo que esa tormenta me caería bien.
No me perturban tus caricias mientras duermo
Esas delicias no se dán ya en las horas soleadas.
Solo cuando duermo me visitas -
En formas poéticas.

=============================

You never appeared under the blue tree
whose leaves,
like your eyes,
Floated softly down...
Yet like blades of ice they penetrated my chest -
Strong waves tumbled me down
turning me violently
until I fell as if by a miracle
Into a warm bath of light
In the form of 
your curls, black and gray;
Strange clouds heralding storms
while I remained happy and contained
knowing that your storm would suit me fine.
Your caresses do not perturb me while I sleep.
Those charms aren't available when the sun is out.
Only when I sleep do you visit me - 
In poetic forms.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

To Anef

You stopped eating
And you stopped fucking
What does your soul subsist upon?
Grapes?
Health.
Oh yes. Health.
Measured the way you measure it.
Sanitized cardigans over Lululemon.
A routine which justifies that bottle of wine you anesthetize yourself with.
But I'm the one who's flesh makes you crawl.
My health :worries: you.
Your secret is you wish your flesh would dance.
Free of parameters.
Free of so many restrictions.
A wide expanse of swaying hips...
Which your husband likes.
After all that Pilates
It's no wonder you drink.
To keep the vicious cycle of denial and conformity
In
It's
Place.
Girl, don't you know they get to be ugly and fat and bald
and mean
and drunk with power?
Your Pilates and your precious polite pussy will never be enough.
So hiss at me with my brazen belly and
a shimmy-like-you-wanna because...
I know you wanna
You wanna be more woman.
Be more woman.
Figure out what that means.
Then do it.
Be more woman.



Friday, April 14, 2017

Haikus...

This past week or so I've been in a Haiku kind of way. So I am posting them since I haven't posted in forever... Some are in Spanish

Para que mires
La sombra de mi cara
Necesitas luz



















=======================

Imagine my Self
Falling through a misty cloud
Shaped like your essence

========================

Sería posible
Dejar en una mesa
Pedazos de mi?

Para que comas
Mientras yo, espantosa,
Fantasma ando

Devorame_así
Mi cocina es para ti
Plato servido 

Cuando te llenes
Hasta los pelos negros 
Vas lleno de mi.


========================

Oscuro vive
El caracol sin luna...
No me da pena

======================


Friday, April 29, 2016

Fat Girls Cry during Yoga


This is me after hot yoga. I don't usually put up pictures of me with my fat rolls hanging out of my failing old sports bra (I should throw it out, it does nothing), but today I feel bold. Today I went to my 3rd official hot yoga class. And it was taught by a woman I already see I will love and hate in quick succession.  I twisted and contorted and tried to do the beginning of a handstand (I got nowhere... don't even ask). The whole time I was facing a mirror thinking I've never looked fatter. Rolls of fat being squished to this side during one pose then squashed to the other side. During a sitting squat I looked in the mirror and my thighs looked enormous!! I mean... soooo big. I'm surrounded by mostly thin women in the class. The instructor is actually slightly softer than some of the women in the class but I am the largest of the women. And some of the poses are not kind. They just get my belly out in front of me. Two things soothed my poor sweaty ego. One was that there is a gigantic Haitian (he sounds Haitian to me... I'll ask him next class). Anyway, there's this gigantic Haitian man who likes to be in the front of the class and he's hefty. Not fat. But he's a large man. Very strong and very good at yoga. Does all the complicated poses. He makes me feel smaller, by comparison. So I don't feel like the largest thing in the room. Second, I was lucky that there was a very thin Indian girl next to me today who is also at my level. In fact, I am definitely more flexible than she is and was able to do a little more than her. We commiserated and it made me feel less singled out.  I know it shouldn't matter but it's hard to be in any kind of fitness class when you're larger because there is some judgement from some types of people. Luckily, I feel very safe in this class. There are a couple girls who weren't there today who I think might be "mean" girls but so far I haven't had to deal with them.

Class started and we were in starting to warm up and I felt weepy. This has happened a time or two in other workout classes for me. I feel like I'm stirring up my chemistry and it sometimes causes me to feel weepy. I managed to hold it together and keep moving. We did our series, then some modified side planks and I started the beginnings of crow and those attempts at handstand. Then when we were in child's pose the water works started for real. We moved into table and I was weeping. I debated if I should stop it. But I decided to quietly let it happen. The lights are really low and everyone is sweating so much at this point that they can't discern tears from sweat streaming down my face. I kept moving through the final stretches while crying. It felt good after. My body was releasing everything. 

I wondered if the skinny girls every cry during yoga. It was a combination of pent up emotions from my week and a feeling of gratitude that I am allowing myself this. That I am complicit with my own body right now to be better. To be stronger. To not hide. To not apologize for the fat. To not apologize for the fat. I had to write that twice. Because as I am writing this I realize that's why I was crying. Because I was looking at my fat reflection in the mirror and admiring myself for being there, working, sweating, and not caring really that my fat was off doing its own thing. On some level that felt really good, I felt unapologetic - for real. Not in the defiant way that I usually can be. But really feeling there was nothing to apologize for. I was proud of my body for nearly doing a split and holding warrior for longer than many of the other people in the class. I was and am proud of myself. This is new, this not feeling like I have to apologize. I like it. And I hope I cry next class too.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Period Panties

Yup... I'm blogging about period panties. This is really a review and doesn't belong here. I copied it from my other blog where I used to do reviews years ago - Girl with Gadgets. I think I may start putting up more reviews there. Anyway.... I copied that review here but you should be warned... it's not pretty. Men might consider moving along. But if you stick around and actually read it all, you should totally leave a comment because you're my new hero!

HERE IT IS:

I had let this blog die but I am taking it out of retirement to blog about these period panties we're all hearing about. THINX is just one of the companies making them. Apparently there are others. But what I like about THINX is that they're using a portion of their proceeds towards getting this period underwear to girls in third world countries where getting your period means you can't go to school or participate in many other activities. I would buy them for this alone. Luckily, turns out it's a really good product.

So, I got really curious and decided to order a pair of these panties. I am a US size 16 and I bought the 2X after reading other people's reviews and being advised to order up. It's good advice. They do run small. And while the fabric has some elasticity to it, it's not much. They fit a bit like good swimwear.  They have a bit of give but some hug to them as well. The fabric has that nice smooth, slick feel to it that you want in underwear. It feels very nice and lies well under even clingy dresses or pants. The VERY surprising thing is that even though I bought what is their heaviest flow panty, the crotch part of the panty was not very thick. I was expecting it to feel like a pad. But it feels like a few layers of fabric maybe as thick as a panty liner. It seemed impossible that it could do what it claims to do. But it did.

The panties come not just in different sizes but also in different shapes (hip hugger, boy short, hi waist, thong, etc) and different absorbencies. They rate the absorbency with a system women can relate to. From 1/2 tampon to 2 tampons. I went ahead and got the heavy flow hip huggers straight away. I figured if I was going to test these, I would start on my heaviest day - really see what this product can do. Ah, also, they currently only come in two colors - black and beige - and not all styles come in both colors.

From here on out things are going to start to get gross, friends. If you're squeamish you might want to run away now. Most of the reviews I read tried to keep the language pretty antiseptic and therefore glossed over some points I think most people want to know. So I'm not going to be tame in my descriptions from here on end. So last warning. Leave now if you think you may get ill at the mention of menstrual blood and other such details. It's okay. I forgive you.

Okay. So I got the heavy hip hugger in black and on day 2 of my cycle, which is when it's always absolutely the worst for me, I decided to put them on after my afternoon workout and shower so that I could stay in them from roughly 7pm until morning. I wanted to spend a little time awake in them walking around the house, doing light chores, sitting at my computer and then go to bed and see how they hold up as an overnight pad. I did this because, frankly, I wasn't ready to wear them out in public all day the first time. I wanted to try them out in a "safe" environment first.

Gross alert.

So, I had done my workout and showered and my flow was very heavy. I put them on and thought "there's no way I'm not waking up to a blood bath in my bed." Before bed I went to pee and was pleasantly shocked that they seemed pretty dry. Slept till 7am, woke up and felt around the bed. Everything was fine. I felt dry. What?!!! I go into the bathroom and check. Aside from a little film of blood and uterine lining (if you're a woman you know what I mean... some kind of shedding stuff that sometimes ends up in your pad, which is why I think tampons are really not healthy... but that's another topic entirely). Anyway, after 12 hours of pretty heavy flow, they felt mildly heavy, had a slight film to them that I brushed off with toilet tissue but there hadn't been a leak. I woke up feeling comfortable and if I absolutely needed to rush out and make a milk run, I think I could have maybe even gotten away with it. But I'm glad I didn't.

Even grosser alert.

So now comes the part where things get super intimate. Time to take them off and wash them. You can't just throw these into the wash. In fact, THINX website has very specific instructions for washing them. No fabric softener, it ruins the bacterial shield in it. I figured, something like this, there was only one way to do it right. Just hand wash it - old school. So I filled the sink with warmish water and soaked them. That's the advice from the website and from previous reviewers. However, what they don't tell you is that you should prepare for a shock. The panties, when you take them off, feel slightly weighted but not that much. Because they're black, they don't look especially gross. And because of the magic fabric they're using in the crotch area, the whole garment looks perfectly fine when you pull them off. Like a normal pair of panties should look. However, the second you dip them into the water it's a blood bath. I mean, literally. The water began to turn a deep shade of crimson almost immediately. As Western privileged women who don't have to deal with our biological processes quite this intimately, it came as a bit of a shock to me. I mean... I knew it was going to happen and still, I was a little bit shocked to see this much blood in my sink. I'm really amazed that all of that was in there. Didn't seem possible. I drained the sink, refilled it, and did this process again 2 more times while lightly rubbing the crotch of the panty to get it out. Now... there's more. This is the first time I have every had my hands in bloody water. I mean, I've had to scrub some blood off a panty or some sheets where I'd had a leak in the middle of the night. But this does not compare to that at all. Ladies.... hold on to your hats!! This is next level. I mean... it's a sink full of blood and your hands are in it moving around and working the fabric. It was kind of surreal.

Mystical alert.

But also... it put me in touch with how powerful we really are. We don't really acknowledge it enough. We bleed this much on a regular basis and we still go to work, do workouts, feed babies, build houses, run marathons. I mean... come on!!! It really brought me up close and personal with just how freaking strong we are. And yet we are constantly allowing people to make us feel weak. And at that moment with my hands in the bloody water, it all clicked. We survive the bleeding and life comes out of us. We are freaking magical! We should spend more time celebrating that.

But I digress... It took only 2 soaks and a final rinse to get the water completely clear. Then I added some mild soap and scrubbed the entire garment lightly, rinsed it, wringed it gently - it wrings out pretty well. The whole process takes a few minutes tops. Then I hung it over a towel to dry. It was completely dry that night in a bathroom that usually seems to keep our towels damp.

So my experience with these so far is fantastic. I may do a follow up blog after I've tried them out in the real world. But I would totally recommend them. The washing part is probably the worst part. But you're doing something good for yourself - they're comfortable and you're saving money and the environment. And you're also doing something good for all those girls who will now not have to stay home from school because of something their bodies are meant to do. It's a total win-win. :)

Thursday, January 15, 2015

What's that in the road?

Today, while stopped at a red light I noticed something moving across the road. I couldn't quite make out what it was at first. I thought it might be a large butterfly or a small bird. Then I was pretty convinced it was a small bird. Brown, slender neck, holding out one wing and walking along in stops and starts like small creatures are often spotted doing. From one car's tire over towards the car in front of me. As it neared, I finally realized what it was. It was not a small bird but a large oak leaf. (Maybe even two entwined?) One of its points was bent in a way that looked like a bird's slender head and beak. The rest of it curled so it appeared a wing was being held out. And the wind... the wind was blowing in just such a manner so that it wasn't lifting it up off the ground but gently being nudged so that it looked like it might have been taking a stroll across the street. At that moment I had a kind of surreal awakening. "How many things do we see regularly that aren't at all what they appear?" What if the only reason some things are set in motion is because a gentle wind is guiding them along just so? And what if that wind, with its precise pressure and trajectory and speed were to stop or change abruptly? Then what of the object it has been exerting its influence on? How much are we like that leaf? And who or what is our wind?