It's the day after Christmas. This year I felt oddly Christmas-y. The past few years I've not felt the spirit at all. But this year I put up a tree and a couple of wreaths and some lights. I wrapped gifts with gusto and even listened to some Christmas music of my own free will (jazzy Xmas). I enjoyed my friends, I appreciated my husband despite his bah-humbug attitude and I loved my family for being. I even didn't dwell on the fact that I really am not making enough money doing what I do and that my "career" really is a glorified hobby if you look at it on paper. Truth be told, I feel like I've wasted my life away and have very little of monetary value to show for it. My husband is talking about early retirement and says I'll have to start making more money and I'm terrified because I don't see how I'm going to do that. Yet... I have this odd sense of well being. I ask myself why.
I fell in love again - with life. I decided that life is too short to spend it agonizing about the things that aren't, the things that should be, the things that should have been, the way things were supposed to turn out... what a waste of energy. You just do. It may sound like an oversimplification or even irresponsible. But I don't want to spend my last good 10-15 years not enjoying myself. Yes, I'm now of an age where I know my body maybe only have another 10 or 15 years left of health and vitality. Who knows? Maybe I don't even have that much time left? Maybe I'm a ticking time bomb and time has started to count down quickly unbeknownst to me? I just don't want to spend whatever time I may have left being sad about the things that aren't.
So I took stock of some relationships that aren't being properly nurtured, through no faulty of my own. I made the decision to stop being sad that this person or that person isn't making more of an effort to be present in my life. If they can't see the value of keeping up the relationship then I need to focus on the people in my life who are actually making an effort. And I need to decide who I want to spend time with. Who are the people who fill me with joy and a sense of peace and well being? I need to be clear about who those people are and then I need to nurture those connections. I will stop twisting myself into a pretzel trying to make sense of people whose actions do not match their words. If you're not present, you're not present.
I will also spend more time in places that make me feel happy. My surroundings have always mattered to me. I feel calmer and more peaceful when I'm surrounded by beautiful. And it doesn't need to be much. It could be the one clematis I planted in the backyard or it could be the bed being made up and being neat for once. It could be me sitting on a rock in a park staring at the trees on a fall day. Or watching the waves touch sand while I read on the beach. It might even be me curled up in my favorite chair with a good book. Whatever it is on a given day, I resolve to really enjoy it.
So I say good-bye to the things that I have allowed to torment me. The people I have let zap my energy and steal my sleep. I will let those things go. They're already fading quickly behind me. I see road before me. Some of the terrain will be rocky and perilous, but the light is ahead of me leading the way. What's behind me is already fading. Fading into the dark.
I fell in love again - with life. I decided that life is too short to spend it agonizing about the things that aren't, the things that should be, the things that should have been, the way things were supposed to turn out... what a waste of energy. You just do. It may sound like an oversimplification or even irresponsible. But I don't want to spend my last good 10-15 years not enjoying myself. Yes, I'm now of an age where I know my body maybe only have another 10 or 15 years left of health and vitality. Who knows? Maybe I don't even have that much time left? Maybe I'm a ticking time bomb and time has started to count down quickly unbeknownst to me? I just don't want to spend whatever time I may have left being sad about the things that aren't.
So I took stock of some relationships that aren't being properly nurtured, through no faulty of my own. I made the decision to stop being sad that this person or that person isn't making more of an effort to be present in my life. If they can't see the value of keeping up the relationship then I need to focus on the people in my life who are actually making an effort. And I need to decide who I want to spend time with. Who are the people who fill me with joy and a sense of peace and well being? I need to be clear about who those people are and then I need to nurture those connections. I will stop twisting myself into a pretzel trying to make sense of people whose actions do not match their words. If you're not present, you're not present.
I will also spend more time in places that make me feel happy. My surroundings have always mattered to me. I feel calmer and more peaceful when I'm surrounded by beautiful. And it doesn't need to be much. It could be the one clematis I planted in the backyard or it could be the bed being made up and being neat for once. It could be me sitting on a rock in a park staring at the trees on a fall day. Or watching the waves touch sand while I read on the beach. It might even be me curled up in my favorite chair with a good book. Whatever it is on a given day, I resolve to really enjoy it.
So I say good-bye to the things that I have allowed to torment me. The people I have let zap my energy and steal my sleep. I will let those things go. They're already fading quickly behind me. I see road before me. Some of the terrain will be rocky and perilous, but the light is ahead of me leading the way. What's behind me is already fading. Fading into the dark.
