What's that in the road?

Today, while stopped at a red light I noticed something moving across the road. I couldn't quite make out what it was at first. I thought it might be a large butterfly or a small bird. Then I was pretty convinced it was a small bird. Brown, slender neck, holding out one wing and walking along in stops and starts like small creatures are often spotted doing. From one car's tire over towards the car in front of me. As it neared, I finally realized what it was. It was not a small bird but a large oak leaf. (Maybe even two entwined?) One of its points was bent in a way that looked like a bird's slender head and beak. The rest of it curled so it appeared a wing was being held out. And the wind... the wind was blowing in just such a manner so that it wasn't lifting it up off the ground but gently being nudged so that it looked like it might have been taking a stroll across the street. At that moment I had a kind of surreal awakening. "How many things do we see regularly that aren't at all what they appear?" What if the only reason some things are set in motion is because a gentle wind is guiding them along just so? And what if that wind, with its precise pressure and trajectory and speed were to stop or change abruptly? Then what of the object it has been exerting its influence on? How much are we like that leaf? And who or what is our wind? 

Fierce New Year.

I'm tremendously proud of myself today. Incredibly proud. The reasons I'm about to list might seem ridiculous to a few of you. And that's okay. This is my journey. And for me, for my journey, none of what I'm about to list is inconsequential. Which is why I felt it deserved an entry.

I told myself I would be more fierce this year. I guess you can read that as "less afraid". But it doesn't stop there. It's a way of being that I've felt was living deep down within me but not surfacing enough to serve me. So here is why I'm proud today.

1. I'm on my way to meet with a person high up in the opera chain who has taken notice of me.  I'm taking a leap of faith that, despite it being late in the game, and my having zero resume to speak of, this person might be able to aid me in making a break through. Not expecting it to happen today... But also perhaps not too long from today.

2. It's snowing. Normally I'd balk at driving in the snow or going into the city in the snow for fear of getting stuck. But today's meeting was too important. When I spoke to my (very fearful) mother this morning she said, "It is nasty out... Are you still going? Oh, poor baby."  My husband, who also coddles me a little (he is sweet) said I should maybe leave the car and cab it to the train. If it were heavier snow, I might have done that. But I decided I've been coddled (and coddled myself) enough. I know people care for me but it's finally dawned on me that I'm surrounded by people whose anxieties only highlight and heighten my own. They mean well. But it's time to start letting myself disagree with them. "No... I can do this. No reason to cancel or reschedule or cry or panic."

3. I can do this. My new battle cry.

I'm looking forward to posting my future adventures in fierce living. Today... Baby steps.