Hidden Heart

 Somewhere in that menagerie of keepsakes

between that rock you thought didn't belong down by the Native brook

because you said it belonged in salt water,

with confidence, 

because growing up by the ocean has turned you into a marine geologist

So you put it in the drawer with the broken arrow and the blue beetle and a hair tie you got from that little girl who grew up so fast that the hair tie is one thing she may still need from you

and the broken sea glass

and the splintered pencils

and string 

and toothpicks

and the gum wrapper from the day those  braces came off

In that drawer with no inventory, 

no index, no labels 

just a lot of sand and dirt

hiding behind a black treasure-

you know and I know it-

is where you left your heart

one summer day when you could no longer stand to feel it beating inside you 

from all the hurt 

So you tattooed it onto your back where you could forget it

So it could live in a place where memory does not thrive 

It's in that drawer, _______.

You know it and I know it.

when will you reach for it?

11/19/2023

(written for... you know who you are)

Saturday Night Retrospective

He was unto a Golden God 
at a time when everyone sought High Vibes
At a time when America was fun. 
When I was too young to understand the
naughty 
raunchy
bawdiness of it all,
but old enough to be there.
Old enough to witness the gyrating, 
the laughter, the sweatiness, the tight pant,
the way
everyone
               glistened.

Then America - that America 

was confident, boisterous 
revelling in polyester pants. 
And this beautiful man:
he was It. he was All.
he was a spinning top 
beautiful supernova.
The best part of being an American male.
A movie icon.
He embodied in one dance an entire feel-good summer for a generation. 
And now when he flickers onto my screen
I wonder 
“where did all that go?”
Corporations got greedy 
the people were needy.
That boy is older now, and he too, 
can see, 
the loss of that time.
When America, on a Saturday night,
was everything 
Running around and looking good
Feeling good and being free.
A time when you could sparkle without fear to weigh you down 
A time when Saturday night was for showing off
For laughing too hard and coming home late 
He reminds me
When Saturday night was for dancing. 

The vampire weeps

 If I said I am dying to drink from your fountain

would you slice yourself open for my benefit

oozing like a ruby red grapefruit?

would you shed each drop in an arioso of charming crescendos upon the xylophone that is the foyer travertine?

would you crawl to my waiting stiletto in supplication or 

resignation

or something else?

Looking like desire but smelling of desperation?

would you?

would you be silent knowing there is no plea to reverse your fate?

tell me, 

compass-less lover,

would you comprehend why you surrendered?

If I said I was dying to drink from your fountain 

I'd be a liar.

the vampire 

waits.

Death of Love

Giving up on love changes you
It slows you down
Even your pulse 

Bodily functions turn against you
Especially your digestion
Weight sees no reason to burn
Nothing burns,
Especially not your imagination,
Which used to run ahead like a child 
At a feverish pace
Gathering fancy frocks and bright lipsticks
To be the prettiest at the daydream
Your eyes even become fixed
A steady sage stare
Especially good for discerning the things you'd missed all those years
The way the crickets have multiplied
The starlings are disturbed by the weather
The way the house creaks and cracks like a splintered ship run aground
The books you can now focus on

Your thoughts plucking words like flowers to adorn your dreams

A wreath of sonnets and novels

An Easter bonnet of tales

For the long dark hours 

Especially for the way your body wants only rest. 

So tired now 

So utterly tired.

Modern Medicine

My doctor today said my blood pressure is a bit high

to which I say how could it not be?

The vine which has been growing from my intestines 

is crushing my chest with a bowline knot around my heart

clogging the well which used to send a river to my dry achy eyes

while thorns and worms wrap round

the hyoglossus of my throat

suppressing my tongue so nothing can escape

no words

and definitely not a scream

definitely not a cry or a shriek or

a shrill sharp edged syllable knife of stabbing pain

where my Adam's apple might have been if life were fair but

definitely not that 

all systems are on lockdown 

my soul even is trapped in this prison.

 so my doctor

with her years of knowledge 

and 

 papers 

she says my blood pressure is up 

as if this is news to me

with no response at all

I wonder at what point the vine will shoot straight up out of my head 

breaking open my honeycomb skull 

and then,

will the pressure be released?

3/3/2022

 

I can do that too

When do I start caring
That your greed knows no bounds?
I transmute it into my own greed
Which I keep secret
So I seem satisfied with
            that thimble you call sustenance
Growing your ego, I know
This is an impertinence I leave for you
While I fold my knees
Demurely smiling

Disappointed

I will outgrow
Outlive
Outrun
This sadness
This loss of sweetness
Which you offered and rescinded
Offered then regretted
Quietly suffering your loves
Such man woes
Too many kisses
Too many breasts to lay your head upon
So many welcoming arms
And mouths
The one you pined for
The one you ran from the second you'd had your fill
(Who got the best part of that deal?)
Tu tienes la cara dura
De ahora decir que
Era demasiado
It was too much?
You had no right to be the one who calls the shots.
You had no right to decide when enough is enough.
You had the sweet side of this deal.
My rage is well merited, you sorry man.
I loved you even in your pathetic weakness
Your constant reminders that I was last on your list.
I swallowed that bitter pill whole.
And still... It was too much?
You retreated into your safe nest
Taking your love with you...
Leaving me raw
Leaving me lost
Empty
Fragile
Unchosen
Missing you
Despite your unworthiness