Lapu Lapu

Today I learned about Lapu-Lapu. “What is Lapu-Lapu?,” you ask? Is it a new breed of dog? Or a great health drink? No. Lapu-Lapu was a Philippine warrior, who on this date (April 27th) in 1521 defeated and killed Magellan when, in the course of discovering foreign lands, he and his mates attempted to convert the native population to Christianity. Why do I know this and why does it matter?

Because, coincidentally, today is the 1st Anniversary of my father’s death. And the universe has gifted me with this information in a totally unrelated internet search. I find it interesting that not only can you share a birthdate with someone famous, but you can share a deathdate with them too. So my father now shares Magellan’s deathdate. Frankly, I hope they’re not in the same place. Magellan, like so many early explorers, did deplorable things in the name of Christianity. My father, lived his whole life trying to perform good works. Like Jesus and Mother Theresa. What’s ironic is Magellan is known for his works and my father… not so much. What’s further irony is that they probably are in the same place and my father is starting to realize what complete assholes the Christians were and is probably questioning his earthly alliances.

All I know is that Lapu Lapu sounds like a real badass. Today is a holiday in the Phillipines because of his strength and conviction to not be stripped of his right to worship whatever god(s) he worshipped in whatever apparently fucked up way he wanted to. I’ve heard stories of enemies’ hearts being used as the focus of certain ancient ceremonies. If that’s true, maybe Magellan’s heart was finally put to good use.

Words...

Words are the green and yellow of the wise
The blue and violet of the noble
The red and orange of the poet
The black and white of the crafty
If you were blind, how would you paint my soul with words?
If I were deaf, how might I interpret them?
Paint with truth, which resonates sharply always.
Choose words with clarity which will color themselves
Like a crystal chameleon, shape shifting in the sun.

Musings on a Monday

I just looked out my kitchen window while making a sandwich and tea and saw what appeared to be a cloud of billowing smoke rising from my the neighbors' yard over my fence. Two of their little boys were scurrying around (roughly 8 and 7 years old). One of them looked a bit agitated. The older one ran towards the source of the problem with a large flat yellow plastic item. Perhaps the cover to a toy chest. My first thought was, "great, they've started a fire." I didn't have a clear view because whatever it was, it was very close to the fence on the other side. If it was a fire, my fence, which is wooden, would shortly be ablaze which would have signaled me to place a 911 phone call. However, apparently, whatever it was, it stopped once the yellow lid was dropped on it. Perhaps it was a fire and this child knew enough to go find a giant snuffer to put it out? I don't know. All I know is I lingered at the window long enough to watch their little faces relax as they looked down into that corner of the yard. Apparently, whatever it was, it was now over.

Being more relaxed myself, I paused to peruse the faces of the boys and I mused how the eldest looked so much like his mother. Then I noticed that all along, one of their other boys had been sitting inside a play car (there are a total of 5 boys and 1 girl next door). The little one, about 1 year in age has straw colored hair and it dawned on me how much his features are like his father's. This produced a warm inner smile in me. The recognition of the awesome magic that a parent must feel when they see themselves in tiny form, smiling back from a face that is not their own. I imagined the sheer awe at knowing that your genes, your parents' genes, their siblings's genes, and on and on, are now residing within that tiny person. And when you are no longer here, this tiny person will live on with your eyes, your teeth and hopefully escape your family's history of diabetes.

I have chosen not to partake in this passing of the genetic baton. But at that moment, while looking out my kitchen window, procreation and parenting made sense. I understand the drive that makes so many people want to do it. Children really are a blessing. Even if they might accidentally be burning down your fence.

Introduce Yourself

I wish the me I don't know would come out and introduce herself to me.

Insomnia

I’ve slept too much, of this I’m sure
Years and years of dreaming.
The flights over buildings
Trains into the ocean
The walking on hands,
Houses with no exits
Exits with no destination
Faces without names
People without faces
Orange balloons
Water rides
Flying, always flying
Landing on rooftops.
Forgetting my lines
Running down staircases
Elevators that go sideways
Or else jettison away.
That world will always be.
But Paris and London,
Venice and New York .
The Caribbean, the Taj Mahal -
Stages for my feet.
Those places may cease to be
Or else, perhaps my feet.
Insomnia is telling me
It’s time to stay awake.
No more closed eye
For dark to dance upon.
Eyes open to the light of new days.

Being skinny does not automatically make you healthy!

I just read some internet posts where people were arguing "Is fat sexy?" Of course, as you'd expect, the vast majority of people said that it isn't. A bunch of other people said things akin to "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." But the one thing that kept coming up over and over no matter which side of the argument I read (and something that has irked me for years) was the notion that it was better if a person were "a healthy weight." Why does this irk me? Because I happen to think that the whole obesity epidemic is bullshit. It makes my skin crawl to know that if a fat person and a skinny person walk into a room, the skinny person is automatically assumed to be "healthy"even if they're holding a cigarette or their 4th beer.

I think it's the greatest hypocrisy ever that people have been brainwashed into believing that being thin is healthy. In theory, it should be true. But as an overweight woman, I think it's safe to say that throughout my life, most of my friends and colleagues were what you would call "healthy weight" individuals. Yet, for every 10 of those people, I could name 1 who actually worked out regularly and 1 who ate healthy on a regular basis. The other 8 smoked, abused a drug, ate more fast food in a week than I'll eat in a whole year, or did harmful things to their bodies to maintain that "healthy weight". So then, I ask, how is it they get the "healthy" seal of approval and I don't? I am heavier than those 10 friends but I've never smoked, I work out pretty regularly and I generally make attempts to eat healthy. I have had bouts with bulimia in the past and decided that it was healthier to just let the food remain in my belly than to hurt my throat and digestive system by throwing it up. Yet, I know this is a weight management tool many skinny people employ. How is that healthier than just allowing yourself to be somewhat heavier?

I think the media attention around weight has reached a point of hysteria. I can't turn on my TV without hearing how we all need to be thinner for our health. Biggest Loser makes my stomach turn. Yes, those people should try to take off weight. It is healthier to weigh less. I'm not arguing that the extra weight is good for you. I'm arguing that it's gone too far and people seem fine with watching someone practically kill themselves for several weeks on TV to be thin and that is deemed acceptable. Frankly, I've tried to lose weight the sensible way - watching what I eat and exercising. It is nearly impossible. I was successful one time and that was only after I committed to a year where I would eat one meal a day (which I would break down into 2 or 3 tiny meals) and I worked out daily for 2 hours. It took a whole year and finally 40lbs came off. I did this during a year when I was taking a break from singing because that 2 hours would have been practice time and I just couldn't fit both activities into a normal day. Do most people understand what it means to work a full time job, have a life and still manage to put aside 2 hours a day to go to the gym (plus time getting there and back) and to obsess all day every day about NOT eating? No. Until you've lived like that for a year, to only lose 40lbs, you don't know. You can't imagine giving up that much of your time and energy when there is so much more you'd rather be doing.

I've come to the conclusion that for people like me, maybe we need a kamakazi weight loss approach. Maybe we need several weeks at a camp where we're being deprived and where a drill sargeant is in your face screaming to make you sweat for 8 hours a day. That might be the only way I'll ever get all this weight off. I DO think that there are many people out there who CAN'T take off weight without going to some extreme measures. And THAT can be unhealthy and impractical and, unless you have a lot of money or get on a show like Biggest Loser, you're just not going to have that chance. So I get mad when I hear skinny people on TV who have never really had to lose a substantial amount of weight, doling out advice about how it's done. Maybe the formulas don't work for a lot of people and what makes them unhealthy is their ever desperate attempts to lose the weight.

The NIH doles out money to whatever research is "sexiest" and for the past 10 years it's been very en vogue to do studies on obesity. The numbers get skewed in a lot of these studies and there are misrepresentations. Why? Because people need to keep this going because it's paying bills. Insurance companies love it because they're hoping soon they can justifiably charge heavier people more money - after all, there is scientific proof. It's all such utter bullshit.

If they were really that concerned about obesity, they would begin creating obesity institutes. Much like Heart Institutes and Cancer Institutes. Places where the obese could go and their insurance would pay for that boot camp approach that would help them lose the weight. But instead someone wags a finger at them, hands them a list of healthy food and sends them home. Most insurance companies won't even pay for a gym membership. Think about that for a minute. If they really wanted to put a stop to it, they could incorporate real weight loss strategies into the fabric of the health care system. They want to label it an "epidemic" but then they won't provide any solutions. They just want to keep the wheels turning on this one. It's a lot like the "Just Say No" campaign. How many drug addicts were helped with that one?

I'll end this with one more thought. Education is great for prevention (usually). But once you have something you are labeling an epidemic, it's time for intervention. Talking about broccoli and exercise probably won't help. Giving people access to the tools they will need to become healthier might. If NIH and CDC can dole out millions for the study of obesity, then why not use that money to create weight loss centers that, much like cardiac rehab centers, could be tailored to prevent future costly diseases associated with obesity? What's that? It's just more fun to point fingers and berate the fat person? Yeah, I thought so.

Mia's Poem

Unbridled innocence -
belly soft, round and unabashed.
two golden starbursts
on the top of your head,
golden joy in an upside down willow
to make me smile
like the fourth of july.
soft baby hands behind your back
to defend your little world
against accusations of spilled milk, smudged walls and keys in the trash;
the long trail of lashes saves you as
they reach their spidery wisps to my soul
uncapping a flood of love that showers your tiny world
without your knowledge.