Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Insomnia
I’ve slept too much, of this I’m sure
Years and years of dreaming.
The flights over buildings
Trains into the ocean
The walking on hands,
Houses with no exits
Exits with no destination
Faces without names
People without faces
Orange balloons
Water rides
Flying, always flying
Landing on rooftops.
Forgetting my lines
Running down staircases
Elevators that go sideways
Or else jettison away.
That world will always be.
But Paris and London,
Venice and New York .
The Caribbean, the Taj Mahal -
Stages for my feet.
Those places may cease to be
Or else, perhaps my feet.
Insomnia is telling me
It’s time to stay awake.
No more closed eye
For dark to dance upon.
Eyes open to the light of new days.
I’ve slept too much, of this I’m sure
Years and years of dreaming.
The flights over buildings
Trains into the ocean
The walking on hands,
Houses with no exits
Exits with no destination
Faces without names
People without faces
Orange balloons
Water rides
Flying, always flying
Landing on rooftops.
Forgetting my lines
Running down staircases
Elevators that go sideways
Or else jettison away.
That world will always be.
But Paris and London,
Venice and New York .
The Caribbean, the Taj Mahal -
Stages for my feet.
Those places may cease to be
Or else, perhaps my feet.
Insomnia is telling me
It’s time to stay awake.
No more closed eye
For dark to dance upon.
Eyes open to the light of new days.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Being skinny does not automatically make you healthy!
I just read some internet posts where people were arguing "Is fat sexy?" Of course, as you'd expect, the vast majority of people said that it isn't. A bunch of other people said things akin to "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." But the one thing that kept coming up over and over no matter which side of the argument I read (and something that has irked me for years) was the notion that it was better if a person were "a healthy weight." Why does this irk me? Because I happen to think that the whole obesity epidemic is bullshit. It makes my skin crawl to know that if a fat person and a skinny person walk into a room, the skinny person is automatically assumed to be "healthy"even if they're holding a cigarette or their 4th beer.
I think it's the greatest hypocrisy ever that people have been brainwashed into believing that being thin is healthy. In theory, it should be true. But as an overweight woman, I think it's safe to say that throughout my life, most of my friends and colleagues were what you would call "healthy weight" individuals. Yet, for every 10 of those people, I could name 1 who actually worked out regularly and 1 who ate healthy on a regular basis. The other 8 smoked, abused a drug, ate more fast food in a week than I'll eat in a whole year, or did harmful things to their bodies to maintain that "healthy weight". So then, I ask, how is it they get the "healthy" seal of approval and I don't? I am heavier than those 10 friends but I've never smoked, I work out pretty regularly and I generally make attempts to eat healthy. I have had bouts with bulimia in the past and decided that it was healthier to just let the food remain in my belly than to hurt my throat and digestive system by throwing it up. Yet, I know this is a weight management tool many skinny people employ. How is that healthier than just allowing yourself to be somewhat heavier?
I think the media attention around weight has reached a point of hysteria. I can't turn on my TV without hearing how we all need to be thinner for our health. Biggest Loser makes my stomach turn. Yes, those people should try to take off weight. It is healthier to weigh less. I'm not arguing that the extra weight is good for you. I'm arguing that it's gone too far and people seem fine with watching someone practically kill themselves for several weeks on TV to be thin and that is deemed acceptable. Frankly, I've tried to lose weight the sensible way - watching what I eat and exercising. It is nearly impossible. I was successful one time and that was only after I committed to a year where I would eat one meal a day (which I would break down into 2 or 3 tiny meals) and I worked out daily for 2 hours. It took a whole year and finally 40lbs came off. I did this during a year when I was taking a break from singing because that 2 hours would have been practice time and I just couldn't fit both activities into a normal day. Do most people understand what it means to work a full time job, have a life and still manage to put aside 2 hours a day to go to the gym (plus time getting there and back) and to obsess all day every day about NOT eating? No. Until you've lived like that for a year, to only lose 40lbs, you don't know. You can't imagine giving up that much of your time and energy when there is so much more you'd rather be doing.
I've come to the conclusion that for people like me, maybe we need a kamakazi weight loss approach. Maybe we need several weeks at a camp where we're being deprived and where a drill sargeant is in your face screaming to make you sweat for 8 hours a day. That might be the only way I'll ever get all this weight off. I DO think that there are many people out there who CAN'T take off weight without going to some extreme measures. And THAT can be unhealthy and impractical and, unless you have a lot of money or get on a show like Biggest Loser, you're just not going to have that chance. So I get mad when I hear skinny people on TV who have never really had to lose a substantial amount of weight, doling out advice about how it's done. Maybe the formulas don't work for a lot of people and what makes them unhealthy is their ever desperate attempts to lose the weight.
The NIH doles out money to whatever research is "sexiest" and for the past 10 years it's been very en vogue to do studies on obesity. The numbers get skewed in a lot of these studies and there are misrepresentations. Why? Because people need to keep this going because it's paying bills. Insurance companies love it because they're hoping soon they can justifiably charge heavier people more money - after all, there is scientific proof. It's all such utter bullshit.
If they were really that concerned about obesity, they would begin creating obesity institutes. Much like Heart Institutes and Cancer Institutes. Places where the obese could go and their insurance would pay for that boot camp approach that would help them lose the weight. But instead someone wags a finger at them, hands them a list of healthy food and sends them home. Most insurance companies won't even pay for a gym membership. Think about that for a minute. If they really wanted to put a stop to it, they could incorporate real weight loss strategies into the fabric of the health care system. They want to label it an "epidemic" but then they won't provide any solutions. They just want to keep the wheels turning on this one. It's a lot like the "Just Say No" campaign. How many drug addicts were helped with that one?
I'll end this with one more thought. Education is great for prevention (usually). But once you have something you are labeling an epidemic, it's time for intervention. Talking about broccoli and exercise probably won't help. Giving people access to the tools they will need to become healthier might. If NIH and CDC can dole out millions for the study of obesity, then why not use that money to create weight loss centers that, much like cardiac rehab centers, could be tailored to prevent future costly diseases associated with obesity? What's that? It's just more fun to point fingers and berate the fat person? Yeah, I thought so.
I think it's the greatest hypocrisy ever that people have been brainwashed into believing that being thin is healthy. In theory, it should be true. But as an overweight woman, I think it's safe to say that throughout my life, most of my friends and colleagues were what you would call "healthy weight" individuals. Yet, for every 10 of those people, I could name 1 who actually worked out regularly and 1 who ate healthy on a regular basis. The other 8 smoked, abused a drug, ate more fast food in a week than I'll eat in a whole year, or did harmful things to their bodies to maintain that "healthy weight". So then, I ask, how is it they get the "healthy" seal of approval and I don't? I am heavier than those 10 friends but I've never smoked, I work out pretty regularly and I generally make attempts to eat healthy. I have had bouts with bulimia in the past and decided that it was healthier to just let the food remain in my belly than to hurt my throat and digestive system by throwing it up. Yet, I know this is a weight management tool many skinny people employ. How is that healthier than just allowing yourself to be somewhat heavier?
I think the media attention around weight has reached a point of hysteria. I can't turn on my TV without hearing how we all need to be thinner for our health. Biggest Loser makes my stomach turn. Yes, those people should try to take off weight. It is healthier to weigh less. I'm not arguing that the extra weight is good for you. I'm arguing that it's gone too far and people seem fine with watching someone practically kill themselves for several weeks on TV to be thin and that is deemed acceptable. Frankly, I've tried to lose weight the sensible way - watching what I eat and exercising. It is nearly impossible. I was successful one time and that was only after I committed to a year where I would eat one meal a day (which I would break down into 2 or 3 tiny meals) and I worked out daily for 2 hours. It took a whole year and finally 40lbs came off. I did this during a year when I was taking a break from singing because that 2 hours would have been practice time and I just couldn't fit both activities into a normal day. Do most people understand what it means to work a full time job, have a life and still manage to put aside 2 hours a day to go to the gym (plus time getting there and back) and to obsess all day every day about NOT eating? No. Until you've lived like that for a year, to only lose 40lbs, you don't know. You can't imagine giving up that much of your time and energy when there is so much more you'd rather be doing.
I've come to the conclusion that for people like me, maybe we need a kamakazi weight loss approach. Maybe we need several weeks at a camp where we're being deprived and where a drill sargeant is in your face screaming to make you sweat for 8 hours a day. That might be the only way I'll ever get all this weight off. I DO think that there are many people out there who CAN'T take off weight without going to some extreme measures. And THAT can be unhealthy and impractical and, unless you have a lot of money or get on a show like Biggest Loser, you're just not going to have that chance. So I get mad when I hear skinny people on TV who have never really had to lose a substantial amount of weight, doling out advice about how it's done. Maybe the formulas don't work for a lot of people and what makes them unhealthy is their ever desperate attempts to lose the weight.
The NIH doles out money to whatever research is "sexiest" and for the past 10 years it's been very en vogue to do studies on obesity. The numbers get skewed in a lot of these studies and there are misrepresentations. Why? Because people need to keep this going because it's paying bills. Insurance companies love it because they're hoping soon they can justifiably charge heavier people more money - after all, there is scientific proof. It's all such utter bullshit.
If they were really that concerned about obesity, they would begin creating obesity institutes. Much like Heart Institutes and Cancer Institutes. Places where the obese could go and their insurance would pay for that boot camp approach that would help them lose the weight. But instead someone wags a finger at them, hands them a list of healthy food and sends them home. Most insurance companies won't even pay for a gym membership. Think about that for a minute. If they really wanted to put a stop to it, they could incorporate real weight loss strategies into the fabric of the health care system. They want to label it an "epidemic" but then they won't provide any solutions. They just want to keep the wheels turning on this one. It's a lot like the "Just Say No" campaign. How many drug addicts were helped with that one?
I'll end this with one more thought. Education is great for prevention (usually). But once you have something you are labeling an epidemic, it's time for intervention. Talking about broccoli and exercise probably won't help. Giving people access to the tools they will need to become healthier might. If NIH and CDC can dole out millions for the study of obesity, then why not use that money to create weight loss centers that, much like cardiac rehab centers, could be tailored to prevent future costly diseases associated with obesity? What's that? It's just more fun to point fingers and berate the fat person? Yeah, I thought so.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Mia's Poem
Unbridled innocence -belly soft, round and unabashed.
two golden starbursts
on the top of your head,
golden joy in an upside down willow
to make me smile
like the fourth of july.
soft baby hands behind your back
to defend your little world
against accusations of spilled milk, smudged walls and keys in the trash;
the long trail of lashes saves you as
they reach their spidery wisps to my soul
uncapping a flood of love that showers your tiny world
without your knowledge.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
So you want to be a mom...
"I love you, mommyyyy..."
"Aaaaaw... my baby loves me" thinks the mommy to whom this is addressed. So much love and warmth and [insert scratched record sound here]...
I think too many people have children because they are bored. That's right - bored. I see it all the time. "She brings me so much joy." "I could watch her all day." "He loves to climb and I love to chase him around." Too many times the people giving birth say things like, "My children give me purpose." Well, your children will eventually figure out that they are your "purpose" and be fed up with having to be the entities that give your life meaning and they will rebel and resent you for being put in a position to have to make YOU feel better about yourself.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not down on motherhood. I'm not a mother - by choice. But I do see the beauty in holding a tiny baby and loving it with all your heart and wanting the best and brightest future for that being. I do. I totally get that part of it. But I've watched people parenting over many years and I find that a great many of them aren't really in it for the best interest of the child. They're in it for themselves and the child is a pawn. A necessary actor in their parents' fantasies. It's sad. I wish there were a way to stop that before it happens procreation by selfish or stupid or unfit or negligent or downright abusive people cannot be stopped. And so, therapists will always have work and the criminal justice system will always have work and the hospitals will always have work and rehab clinics and homeless organizations and on and on. The list of people engaged in the fixing of broken people will never be shortened because some woman (or girl) thinks babies are cute and there's nothing else going on so why not have one?
Sigh.
"Aaaaaw... my baby loves me" thinks the mommy to whom this is addressed. So much love and warmth and [insert scratched record sound here]...
I think too many people have children because they are bored. That's right - bored. I see it all the time. "She brings me so much joy." "I could watch her all day." "He loves to climb and I love to chase him around." Too many times the people giving birth say things like, "My children give me purpose." Well, your children will eventually figure out that they are your "purpose" and be fed up with having to be the entities that give your life meaning and they will rebel and resent you for being put in a position to have to make YOU feel better about yourself.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not down on motherhood. I'm not a mother - by choice. But I do see the beauty in holding a tiny baby and loving it with all your heart and wanting the best and brightest future for that being. I do. I totally get that part of it. But I've watched people parenting over many years and I find that a great many of them aren't really in it for the best interest of the child. They're in it for themselves and the child is a pawn. A necessary actor in their parents' fantasies. It's sad. I wish there were a way to stop that before it happens procreation by selfish or stupid or unfit or negligent or downright abusive people cannot be stopped. And so, therapists will always have work and the criminal justice system will always have work and the hospitals will always have work and rehab clinics and homeless organizations and on and on. The list of people engaged in the fixing of broken people will never be shortened because some woman (or girl) thinks babies are cute and there's nothing else going on so why not have one?
Sigh.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Absence of Faith
This past year or so have been difficult for me. I tried to keep a good outlook when my mom was sick and I doggedly and determinedly got her through her illness but I neglected my father in the process. I put him totally on a back burner and then when he went to the hospital I felt guilty. I feel guilty now that he's passed that maybe, if I'd been giving him some of the attention mom was getting from me, he would still be here. I would have maybe discovered he'd stopped taking crucial medications. I would have maybe taken more of an interest in his financial problems. Instead, the few times he came to me to complain about his hardships, my answer was basically, "let's just get mom through the end of her treatments and then we'll sit down and figure out what to do about your problems." And I meant it. I couldn't deal with both of them drowning at once. I needed him to keep himself afloat long enough to get mom on dry land, then I was gonna come and get him too. But before I could do that he drowned. And I feel horrible. And it's made me question everything.
I feel hollow. I feel like I let down my dad in the worst way possible. On top of being mistreated by my sister for most of a year and feeling depressed about that. On top of being burdened with mom's illness and his own runaway diabetes, his oldest daughter was putting him on a back burner. Who was there to care for my father in his final months? Did he feel alone and scared? I think he did. One day when mom and I got out of her chemo session he looked like he'd been crying in the car. At first I thought it was something that had happened, a phone call, a fight with someone we didn't know about, but I could tell he was deeply unhappy. He put on a brave face, but I made a mental note to ask him about it. That must have been around early December. Weeks went by and he was just getting more depressed, I could tell, but I still kept saying in my head, "mom only has treatments now till end of January, then I will sit down and talk to dad." A couple of times I basically told him to suck it up till then. I said mom needed us to be strong for her and we would deal with the rest of our problems once she got through all her chemo and radiation. I wonder if that made him feel even more desperate. I worry I made him even sadder. He didn't make it. January 19, 2009 came and knocked him off his feet. He wouldn't quite get back on them and then April 27, 2010, he was finally completely bowled over. And so was I.
I hoped he'd get at least well enough to have a talk with me about all that. So I can tell him I was sorry if I'd neglected his well being over mom's. I wanted to ask him if I'd failed him somehow. But for most of that year all I could do was be there, tell him I loved him and once or twice sing to him. I remember him at his 66th birthday, when he was well enough to show his appreciation to all his friends who showed up. He cried and pointed from his heart to all the people in the room. I know he loved us all for being there. He felt love for us and us for him. I felt he loved me too but sometimes I felt he was still a little angry at me for not coming to save him sooner when he was drowning.
It's very unfair. He didn't deserve anything that happened to him. And I don't think I can believe in the God he prayed to all those years. That God he held sacred above all other things could have given him a few more weeks till mom's treatments were over. I would have sat down with him and gone over his finances, maybe then he would have divulged that he stopped taking his Plavix. I would have insisted he get back on them immediately and maybe, just maybe, what happened didn't have to happen. God could have bought him a few more weeks but chose not to. Why?
People will say that he was a grown man. He should have gone to his doctor. He should have done this or that. But mom had become a full time job. He had no time or energy for anything else. I totally get how his own health got away from him. I lament not having been paying closer attention. One day he called me, when mom first got sick and told me she was a tyrant. She expected him to be there all the time. Demanded too much of his attention. I went all tough on him and said, "Look... she only needs this from you for a few months to maybe a year. You can do it. When I was a little girl you would make me sit at home with her while you went off to your church meetings and stuff. If I could put up with her all those years, you can do it for a few months." It was kinda tough to say this to my dad, but at the time I needed him to suck it up and deal with the situation. Now I regret it. I had no idea it would kill him. I think it did. It literally killed him. He was not cut out for it.
And so I have lost my faith in a greater good. I have lost that innocence that says, "things will somehow work out." As far as I can tell, it's all very horribly random. Worse than that. It's all horribly clustered. One person gets more than their share of misery while another gets more than their share of happiness and good fortune. Whoever said life wasn't fair knew about this clustering. And yes, there are reversals of fortune and changes in fate. But those seem pretty random too. So what is there to have faith in? A moving target? Cuz that's all I see now. A moving target. No way of knowing when end of the arrow you will end up with or for how long or how deep. Totally fucking random.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this new information after a life of being told to have faith in the Lord. He will provide. Provide what exactly?
I feel hollow. I feel like I let down my dad in the worst way possible. On top of being mistreated by my sister for most of a year and feeling depressed about that. On top of being burdened with mom's illness and his own runaway diabetes, his oldest daughter was putting him on a back burner. Who was there to care for my father in his final months? Did he feel alone and scared? I think he did. One day when mom and I got out of her chemo session he looked like he'd been crying in the car. At first I thought it was something that had happened, a phone call, a fight with someone we didn't know about, but I could tell he was deeply unhappy. He put on a brave face, but I made a mental note to ask him about it. That must have been around early December. Weeks went by and he was just getting more depressed, I could tell, but I still kept saying in my head, "mom only has treatments now till end of January, then I will sit down and talk to dad." A couple of times I basically told him to suck it up till then. I said mom needed us to be strong for her and we would deal with the rest of our problems once she got through all her chemo and radiation. I wonder if that made him feel even more desperate. I worry I made him even sadder. He didn't make it. January 19, 2009 came and knocked him off his feet. He wouldn't quite get back on them and then April 27, 2010, he was finally completely bowled over. And so was I.
I hoped he'd get at least well enough to have a talk with me about all that. So I can tell him I was sorry if I'd neglected his well being over mom's. I wanted to ask him if I'd failed him somehow. But for most of that year all I could do was be there, tell him I loved him and once or twice sing to him. I remember him at his 66th birthday, when he was well enough to show his appreciation to all his friends who showed up. He cried and pointed from his heart to all the people in the room. I know he loved us all for being there. He felt love for us and us for him. I felt he loved me too but sometimes I felt he was still a little angry at me for not coming to save him sooner when he was drowning.
It's very unfair. He didn't deserve anything that happened to him. And I don't think I can believe in the God he prayed to all those years. That God he held sacred above all other things could have given him a few more weeks till mom's treatments were over. I would have sat down with him and gone over his finances, maybe then he would have divulged that he stopped taking his Plavix. I would have insisted he get back on them immediately and maybe, just maybe, what happened didn't have to happen. God could have bought him a few more weeks but chose not to. Why?
People will say that he was a grown man. He should have gone to his doctor. He should have done this or that. But mom had become a full time job. He had no time or energy for anything else. I totally get how his own health got away from him. I lament not having been paying closer attention. One day he called me, when mom first got sick and told me she was a tyrant. She expected him to be there all the time. Demanded too much of his attention. I went all tough on him and said, "Look... she only needs this from you for a few months to maybe a year. You can do it. When I was a little girl you would make me sit at home with her while you went off to your church meetings and stuff. If I could put up with her all those years, you can do it for a few months." It was kinda tough to say this to my dad, but at the time I needed him to suck it up and deal with the situation. Now I regret it. I had no idea it would kill him. I think it did. It literally killed him. He was not cut out for it.
And so I have lost my faith in a greater good. I have lost that innocence that says, "things will somehow work out." As far as I can tell, it's all very horribly random. Worse than that. It's all horribly clustered. One person gets more than their share of misery while another gets more than their share of happiness and good fortune. Whoever said life wasn't fair knew about this clustering. And yes, there are reversals of fortune and changes in fate. But those seem pretty random too. So what is there to have faith in? A moving target? Cuz that's all I see now. A moving target. No way of knowing when end of the arrow you will end up with or for how long or how deep. Totally fucking random.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this new information after a life of being told to have faith in the Lord. He will provide. Provide what exactly?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)